Lectors: prepare ahead of time!

This delightful anecdote is from Paul Ford (around the 27-minute mark of the first video on this page).

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Readers should never pretend to wing it.  The worst example I can give you:  the feast of Corpus Christi, the reader, a very talented actor in the parish, an Irishman, flew into the sacristy and said "What's the reading today?" They showed it to him, he looked it over, okay.  1st Corinthians.  [He said:] "The bread that we break is not the body of Christ. The cup that we bless is not the blood of Christ."

From across the church, I cupped my hands and I said, "Is it not!  Is it not!"  And when he said, "The word of the Lord," I said "It is not!"

Remote control + shin

A couple nights ago, as my wife and I were in the living room watching TV, she asked me to pass her the remote control.  I was sitting in my chair, and she was laying on the couch (facing me).  I feebly tossed her the remote, such that its narrow edge ended up striking her upper shin.  Despite the pain, we were quickly laughing about it.

And in the laughter, I attempted to excuse my weak throw by explaining, "I didn't want to throw it and have it come near your head... where you could catch it with your hands..."

A good laugh

Now I've seen everything!  A regular commenter on the National "Catholic" Reporter web site who goes by the name "frère charles du désert OSB OBLAT (Congrégation de Subiaco)" posted this chestnut in the comment-box of Fr. McBrien's recent short essay on Eucharistic adoration (in which he calls Eucharistic adoration a "step backwards"):

... Time to change spiritual advisers to something Roman Catholic and faithful to Our Holy Father in Rome. Time to read, in fact, the Reverend Father Richard P. McBrien and find your Catholic feet upon the Roman Catholic way. When you look back and see but one set of footprints, you will know the Reverend Father Richard P. McBrien was carrying along the way to Truth and to Charity.

Tobit and the bird-droppings

Ah... this Tuesday, Tobit 2:9-14 will be read at weekday Mass. I read at my parish every Tuesday morning. I "avoided" this one two years ago by accidentally reading the First Reading for the saint's day which coincided. (I was charitably corrected by my pastor.)

I will pray to keep a straight face while speaking these words: "I did not know there were birds perched on the wall above me, till their warm droppings settled in my eyes, causing cataracts."

The three offices of a Bishop

From the Compendium:

326. What is the effect of episcopal ordination?

Episcopal ordination confers [on a bishop] the offices of teaching, sanctifying, and ruling.

I suppose if we were to use politically correct language, those offices would be: dialoguing, empowering, and affirming.

Fasting Humor

Check out the entry for today (March 13) on LOLSaints. It's by me!

Humor: Quote from a forum

"Don't Taizé me, bro!"

An exercise in Latin translation

I like the Super Smash Brothers series of games. I've played the N64 version, the GameCube version, and the Wii version. The Wii version has a theme song in Latin! However, the translations of this Latin theme song are often wrong. If you've seen Audi famam illius translated as "I have heard of his rumor", then you've seen a poor translation. Here is my attempt at an accurate translation of the theme song from Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

Audi famam illius. Solus in hostes ruit et patriam servavit.
(Hearken to his tale! He alone rushed upon [into] the enemy and protected his native land.)

Audi famam illius. Cucurrit quaeque tetigit destruens.
(Hearken to his tale! He charged, destroying everything he touched.)

Spes omnibus, mihi quoque.
([He is] hope for all men, not only to me.)

Terror omnibus, mihi quoque.
([He is] fear for all men, even to me.)

Ille iuxta me.
(He is at my side.)

Socii sunt mihi qui olim viri fortes rivalesque erant.
(They are allies to me, who once were strong heroes and rivals.)

Saeve certando pugnandoque sprendor crescit.
([Our] splendor increases through vying and fighting fiercely.)

Humor: Google on Ash Wednesday

Someone forgot to upload Google's special image for today!

Humor: Bus Slogan Generator

I found this through Fr. Tim Finigan's blog. If you're familiar with the atheist bus adverts popular in London recently ("There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.") then this should be good fun:

Humor: You were a believer, yes, but...

Via Brian Saint-Paul at Inside Catholic:

The Pope... a blogger?

It could happen. At least, it's been suggested by the president of the Catholic Biblical Association of Hong Kong.

The jokes and puns on this abound. For example, the Pope's operating system would need to be an upgrade of redhat Linux, such as whitehat Linus (named after the second bishop of Rome).

And if you want to donate to the Pope's blogging cause, remember you can send your money digitally and securely via PaPal.

[H/T: The Curt Jester]

Caption: What is the Pope saying?

Fr. Z hits another home run with this caption thread.

Fr. Z's clever quip

"Father, otherwise a happy fellow, I am sure, is incensed during the offertory."

Humor: Jesus said it first!

"Rub some dirt on it." (John 9:6)

Humor: It's like looking into a mirror...

[Source: xkcd.com] (Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).)

Humor: Curt Jester's Lent Superstore

The Curt Jester is at it again. Act now, get a portable holy water font or inward (introspective) binoculars!

Humor: I made a funny at WDTPRS

Fr. Z posted a picture, and I commented with the first thing that came to mind. Check it out, see if you get the joke.

Latin: What would be the word for "computer"?

Would it be ordinator or computator? I've recently coined a new phrase for a particular level of Catholic teaching found on the internet: Ex cathedra computatoris

Humor: Photo caption

I saw this photo (courtesy Chris Helgen of Reuters) at Whispers in the Loggia, and immediately these captions came to mind:

• "Oh, come on, ref! How can you not call that?!"
• "Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria..."
• "Watchoutforthatcar!"